


Two Of Us

by FantasylandwithZee



Category: One Direction (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-07
Packaged: 2019-11-13 12:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18031700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FantasylandwithZee/pseuds/FantasylandwithZee
Summary: I'll make you proud...





	Two Of Us

"Louis?! You need to come home right now."

 _I hide_ _behind_ _the couch, put a hand on my mouth to stop_ _myself_ _from_ _laughing. She_ _won't_ _be able to find me here. After all, this is the room she never comes_ _to_ _. The attic._

_She's_ _calling out my name. Her voice is bright and I can just picture the way her lips curl upwards_ _in_ _a smile, her eyes sparkling despite everything she goes through every day._

_"Louis, love. I give up!"_

_I laugh because finally,_ finally _I've_ _won._ _She_ _always finds me, anywhere I hide she finds me and holds me and tells me,_ I'll always find you no matter what. _And I always laugh, tell her one day_ _she_ _won't_ _._

My heart is in my mouth and I'm so scared that if I open it, it'll jump out, bit by bit with every word I utter.

 _She combs my hair, pecks me_ _on_ _the cheek_ _before_ _hurrying_ _me_ _out the door._ _It's_ _the_ _audition day and she seems so assured of my victory._ _It's_ _infectious_ _: her hope, her confidence, her belief, her love._

 _I hold her hand all throughout the_ _journey_ _, squeeze it and after a while she says:_ "You're going to break my hand, love." _I mutter a weak sorry, the_ _nerves_ _getting_ _the_ _best of me._

_I leave her hand just_ _because_ _I know_ _I've_ _been_ _holding_ _it too tight, but after a minute she herself takes my hand in hers, telling_ _everything_ _will be alright and no_ _matter_ _what today brings,_ _I've_ _got to go on and keep trying. "_ _Don't_ _give up."_

She's connected to what seems like a thousand tubes, cheeks shrunk and eyes without that sparkle that felt so much like home. She lies there with her family, still smiling and I don't know how to hold on.

 _She's_ _there with her arms open for me to_ _fall_ _right_ _into and_ _I'm_ _not much for crying, but today I do_ _just_ _that_ _. If it_ _wasn't_ _for her_ _constant_ _encouragement_ _,_ _I_ _probably would_ _have_ _been to chicken to appear in this audition._

_She invites the other lads home so we can get to_ _know_ _each other better, and I remember_ _Harry_ _from before but everyone else_ _though_ _nice, seems to overpower any little confidence I ever had._

_So she calls me_ _into_ _her room at_ _night_ _when_ _I'm_ _about to sleep, asks me for a glass of water. I hand her the glass and she gestures for me to sit down._

_"You_ _shouldn't_ _feel any_ _less_ _than_ _anyone_ _, Louis. Trust me, everyone has something_ _special_ _in them. You have too._ _It's_ _just_ _a matter of finding that out but_ _you're_ _still young and you_ _don't_ _have to have_ _everything_ _sorted out._ _It's_ _okay to be lost_ _sometimes_ _, okay to be angry, to be sad, to be_ _empty_ _. All that matters at the end_ _of_ _the day is that you know who you are, and you know how to_ _forgive_ _."_

 _Those are the same words- maybe_ _the_ _order changes or the situation- that she says to me one day, when_ _I'm_ _looking_ _through_ _Twitter and frowning my way to the bottom._

 _And so my finger hovers over the number, but_ _I_ _don't_ _press the call sign until she smiles at me again._

_"Hello?!"_

_"Hey Zayn."_

Her fingers are trembling but her heart is intact, as big as ever, full of love that even in these dying moments doesn't fail to amaze me. It's scary to be alone. It's scary to not have the chance to hold her fingers again.

_"Look my baby is all ready. Looking like a princess, you are Johannah!"_

_She laughs_ _brightly_ _and shoves me away as I_ _laugh_ _too, hold her hand and kiss_ _it_ _lightly_ _._

 _I ask her_ _how_ _she feels and she says, "_ _I'm_ _not_ _marrying_ _for the first time, young man." I chuckle but my_ _heart_ _swells at the_ _sight_ _of_ _her._ _She's_ _the most_ _beautiful_ _woman I have ever seen._

_Then her_ _smile_ _fades away a little and it_ _makes_ _me ache inside._ _She_ _holds my hand and kisses me on the forehead. "Are you really okay_ _with_ _this?"_

_And_ _I_ _nod, tell her I feel like the happiest man alive. Her joy is my_ _joy_ _, as long as_ _she's_ _smiling like_ _that_ _, my_ _heart_ _is_ _alive too._

The last words I hear from her are, "You're a diamond, never anything less than that." I don't cry in front of her. I don't want to make her departure more painful than it already is. She's battled through this for so long, I'm not going to stop her from getting her peace.

 _I'm_ _sick and_ _tired_ _of rumours_ _that_ _make my_ _heart_ _break._ _Eleanor_ _has been_ _there_ _and_ _she's_ _still here and I_ _don't_ _get_ _how_ _women can be so strong, can live_ _through_ _hate and_ _disgust_ _every_ _minute_ _of_ _their lives._ _I'm_ _already_ _dying_ _inside._

 _I rub my hands on my face, sigh loudly and throw_ _the_ _phone away. It comes_ _with_ _nothing_ _good._

_I_ _just_ _want to be_ _happy_ _._

_But_ _then_ _I look at my mum and_ _she's_ _making dinner and I think to myself... I'm her son._ _I'm_ _this_ _strong_ _woman's son and_ _it's_ _a shame to be so damn weak and_ _selfish_ _. I want her to be proud of me._ _This_ _isn't_ _how it_ _works_ _._

_So I keep pushing_ _through_ _, the hate and_ _the_ _feeling-insignificant, and the quarrels_ _with_ _friends._

Niall rests a reassuring hand on my shoulder, as I sit with my hands crossed on my lap. We're all wearing black for a death so beautiful. Shame on us!

_I get mad at her. I think_ _it's_ _the first time I do even though_ _she's_ _not at fault. My life is hectic, a complete mess. How did I go from an ordinary kid with small dreams_ _to_ _this person in a band_ _that_ _takes so much from me everyday._

_I tell her_ _it's_ _her fault for making me go_ _through_ _the_ _auditions,_ _because_ _if_ _I_ _hadn't gone at least I could find peace_ _somewhere_ _._

 _Now, apart from_ _losing_ _hope_ _day by_ _day_ _,_ _there's_ _nothing_ _I'm_ _achieving._ _I'm_ _worthless, people_ _aren't_ _here for_ me, _they're_ _here for the me that is sarcastic and loves Harry and smokes weed_ _with_ _Zayn, and has water_ _fights_ _with Liam, and makes Niall laugh to death._

_What_ _about_ _the me that cries in toilets, the me that cares too much for my loved ones, the me that_ _writes_ _songs at_ _midnight_ _but refuses to get rejected, the me that needs just a little love to feel safe in someone's arms?!_

_The me that was mourning for a_ _long_ _time when Zayn left, the me that_ _didn't_ _leave a space for him or cried onstage for him, but the_ me _that hugged the pillow in my_ _hotel_ _room and silently_ _begged_ _him_ _to_ _return._

_The disappointed me. The angry me. The one who lost a friend and was about to lose someone else too._

_I_ _regret_ _everything I say to her in madness, go to her room but_ _she's_ _coughing_ _blood onto the floor. And_ _it's_ _only_ _downhill_ _from that point on._

The days pass by in a blur, the performance is nothing but her words spoken to me more than once. Hold on, Louis. Hold on. And I do, and I will, for as long as I can. Maybe in compensation because that day I took her for granted when I shouldn't have.

_"Do you_ _really_ _feel like_ _that_ _?" She asks. I_ _can't_ _meet her gaze so I keep my eyes on_ _the_ _bed sheets. The food is cold. I hear her_ _sigh_ _. "Love."_

_"I do. I do feel like that_ _mum_ _. Look at just how amazing they are. Harry owns the stage with his charm,_ _Zayn's_ _got_ _that_ _voice_ _that_ _takes_ _you places, Liam gets the crowd going, Niall's the loveliest person on the earth and then_ _there's_ _...me."_

 _She smiles sadly at me, wishes she_ _could_ _touch_ _me_ _through_ _the screen and there_ _are_ _tears brimming my eyes._ _I've_ _just gotten out of her shelter and I already miss her_ _too_ _much._ _She's_ _my anchor, she keeps me sane._

 _"_ _Louis_ _...you_ _know_ _what_ _you've_ _got?" I_ _shake_ _my head, not expecting_ _anything_ _at all. "The most_ _beautiful_ _heart_ _anyone has ever seen._ _You're_ _the kindest, the strongest, the prettiest human I've ever seen. I am thankful that_ I _got_ _to be your mother and raise you, and get to see you_ _every day_ _._ _Because_ _you're_ _one hell of a kid baby._ _You're_ _a_ _diamond_ _. Never forget_ _that_ _."_

I remember asking her, when she was this close to leaving me. "Mum how the fuck do you expect me to do this now?" And my mum, my lovely mum, hates when I swear. She goes on and on about how it's impolite and repelling, but that day she said, "You've got to fucking do it. It's as simple as that."

 _I come_ _home_ _slightly_ _buzzed from the party last night, and my hands are_ _twitching_ _._ _I'm_ _sure if I tell my friends this,_ _they're_ _going_ _to make fun of me, so I look for my mum in the kitchen._

 _She_ _greets me_ _brightly_ _and I smile_ _nervously_ _. When_ _she_ _notices, she leaves whatever_ _she's_ _doing_ _and sits me down on a chair and asks me_ _what's_ _wrong_ _._

 _I take a deep_ _breath_ _. "Mum I know this_ _is_ _really_ _weird, but_ _I've_ _got to tell you. I hooked up with someone_ _yesterday_ _."_

_And_ _I_ _braced myself for her_ _disappointment_ _,_ _expecting her_ _to tell me off for_ _it_ _._

_Instead she laughs. She_ laughs _and pats my head. "_ _I'm_ _proud_ _of you boy." She laughs the_ _entire_ _day away and_ _I'm_ _like...wow. What a woman!_

What a woman indeed.

It's all because of her that I'm still here, the promise of movement that I made to her. Her smile is still etched into my heart, her countless praises of my music still making it flutter. No one has ever made me feel like my mum did.

No one will ever make me feel like she did. I keep trying and trying and sometimes I still miss her and want her to embrace me, but I've accepted and I know I've got to keep going.

I've got to fucking do it, it's as simple as that.


End file.
